Childhood Wasteland

Any problem I have in my adult life now I blame on having spent my entire childhood watching terrible TV shows. Most of these shows were sitcoms. Sitcoms, by nature, have almost no intrinsic value whatsoever. Even though they usually try to stuff an awkward moral in there somewhere they teach the viewer nothing of any weight about life. People in sitcoms almost always enjoy a very high standard of living, disproportionate to the amount of time they spend working, or even to the line of work they’re in. Dialogue in sitcoms generally consists of nothing more than one character setting up a one-liner for another. No one in the real world talks this way, and if they try to, other people find it very annoying, as I’ve learned the hard way, a number of times. The following is a list of the 20 worst sitcoms I watched regularly as a child. In order to prevent this list from becoming too long I’ve only included shows that I used to watch primarily in their first run (as opposed to reruns), so no Kotter, Brady Bunch, or Gilligan’s Island:

1. Alice Bad show. The one with the waitress who’s trying to become a singer in every episode. Vic Tayback played Mel, the namesake of Mel’s Diner, where most of the show took place. Interestingly, it was based on a movie called Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore, which was a melodrama. It’s greatest legacy was to introduce the term “Kiss My Grits” into the American vernacular.
2. Charles in Charge Wow. I can’t believe I used to watch this one. There were actually two incarnations of this show, two separate families that Charles worked for. It was never clear what Charles’s job in the house was, exactly, but apparently he was in charge.
3. Diff’rent Strokes I always liked the Drummond’s apartment and I was disappointed when I moved to New York and couldn’t find a place like theirs that was affordable. I stuck with this show for a long time, but I have to admit, my heart wasn’t really in it after Mr. D got remarried and they introduced the Sam character. I feel bad for Gary Coleman. Whenever I see him pop up in cameos in movies and in shows nowadays I get really depressed and usually have to turn off the TV for a while. I’m not sure why. Interestingly, I ended up marrying a woman who seems to remind a lot of people of Dana Plato. (More for her appearance and personality than her criminal record and drug problems)
4. Three’s Company KTTV used to show this on weeknights at 6pm and then again at 7pm, five nights a week, though I remember watching the later episodes on their first run, especially the story arc that involved Jack opening up his Bistro (cleverly named Jack’s Bistro). I remember watching the final episode of this show and feeling genuinely sad. If I ever have access to a time machine in the future, I really should go back to 1984 and knock some sense into the 9 year-old version of myself over this one. My favorite episode was the one where there was this big misunderstanding because only part of a conversation was overheard.
5. Too Close for Comfort I’m surprised at the number of people I’ve met who’ve never heard of this show. Maybe because it was syndicated and wasn’t on a lot of smaller markets. The premise was that Ted Knight was a cartoonist (who always drew his cartoons while holding the pen in the mouth of a puppet he was holding—I never understood how that worked) who lived with his wife in a duplex. Living below them were their two grown daughters. There was a scene in every episode (or so it seemed) where someone would come to visit Mr. Rush (Knight) and make some comment about the hot-looking girls downstairs, which of course would set Mr. Rush off. One of the daughters was a typical ‘80s bleach-bottle blonde, and the other one looked Puerto Rican, and I swear was the girlfriend in The Warriors. I should look it up. Also featured Jm J Bullock as Munro, a character who was supposed to be one of the daughters’ ex-boyfriends (yeah, I’m buying that).
6. Gimme a Break! Nell Carter, three girls, Grandpa, Joey Lawrence, and eventually Rosie O’Donnell. What more could you ask for?
7. Silver Spoons Some obnoxious rich jerk who plays with toys all day has a kid he never gave a damn about until the kid comes knocking on his door one day, and suddenly he turns into the greatest father ever. I remember the big ride-on train. And John Houseman. John Houseman--I guess by the time he reached retirement age he wasn’t happy with the distinguished career he’d spent a lifetime cultivating, and so decided to appear on this awful show. Also, Carlton was on this show too, only back then his name was Alphonso.
8. Mr. Belvedere I find it hard to believe that a suburban, middle class American family in the 1980s would have much call for an English butler. Especially if that butler spent most of his time swapping smart-ass quips with their nine year-old son. This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what was all wrong about this show.
9. That’s Incredible Not technically a sitcom, but it was pretty funny if you think about it. What I remember most from this show were all the video game tournaments (5 year olds who could defeat all twelve levels of Donkey King in five minutes—that kind of thing) and the fetish the show had for Rubik’s cubes. I remember an entire episode that was devoted to a Rubik’s cube tournament, and there was one about a blind guy who could solve it. It turned out the blind guy had a cube with Braille on it, but I guess that’s still kind of admirable, if not exactly incredible. They even had a guy on once who swallowed and regurgitated things (it was absolutely disgusting) and one of things he swallowed was a miniature Rubik’s cube.
10. Family Ties It’s obvious now that the original premise for the show was to have it focus on the parents, but at some early point Michael J. Fox became the breakout star of the millennium. I never understood why, if Alex was so smart, he ended up going to the local college down the street, instead of Princeton or Harvard.
11. Webster I can’t explain this one. Couple adopts a little black kid who looks like he’s five but is really 17, but is actually supposed to be about ten on the show. Exceptionally horrible theme song.
12. Happy Days Kids today have no appreciation for how huge a cultural force “The Fonz” was, back around ’81 or ’82. As far as sitcoms go this one wasn’t too bad, really, it just went on for too long. The most disquieting aspect of the show’s run was how blatantly it abandoned its ‘50s theme and setting during the last few seasons (which are the ones I most remember). In the early episodes the dad is building a bomb shelter in the backyard and Richie’s dating a girl who’s working on the Adlai Stevenson campaign. By the end of the show Joanie’s wearing Jordache Jeans and has a jheri curl.
13. Punky Brewster Not good. Not good for anyone. The premise was odd, to say the least. A little girl gets abandoned by her parents and ends up befriending and living with a crotchety old photographer. Yeah, that’s right he was a photographer-- remember the episode where his studio burned down? I always felt they could have given him a more appropriate job, like undertaker or taxidermist. It also bothered me that Punky’s dog went with her everywhere, even to school. My favorite episode was the one where Cherry got locked in the refrigerator.
14. Laverne and Shirley Looking back, I don’t think I ever understood a word Laverne said. Is it just me? What was the deal with Lenny and Squiggy? I was watching Entertainment Tonight about five years ago and they had on the actor who played Squiggy. Apparently he’s developed multiple sclerosis, and his hope was that if there was ever a Laverne and Shirley reunion show, Squiggy would be shown as suffering from MS. Ever since that interview I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out how that would work. Also, I remember at some point the show moved to Hollywood for absolutely no reason.
15. Mama’s Family There was something surreal about the setup. A woman in her 30s playing a woman in her 60s (I’m presuming), and this is the main character, who also happens to be completely unlikable. Ahead of its time and somehow also very much of its time. Unusual too in that the setting was clearly supposed to be somewhere in the South or the southern Midwest
16. Facts of Life Kill me now. This show was on forever and I watched every single episode. The show fell to pieces at the end. They were making it up as they were filming it—“let’s open up a candy shop, let’s bring in an Australian girl, let’s bring in George Clooney”. Everything I knew about adolescent girls growing up I learned from watching this show, and I suffered deeply as a result.
17. Small Wonder The worst television show of all time. Hands down. The theme song is not only the worst theme song I’ve ever heard, but it’s probably also the worst song I’ve ever heard. Makes no sense on so many levels. The dad invents a robot. OK. But it has to be a secret. Why? They send her out into the real world. Why? She sleeps standing up in a closet in her brother’s room. What the… ? She only has one dress. She is indistinguishable from a real human child in every regard except for her voice?
18. Mork and Mindy Robin Williams running around acting like a jackass for 30 minutes, every Friday night at 8:30. What was it with aliens in the ‘80s? I was excited as a small child to ponder the thought that there could actually be aliens out there, but disheartened by the prospect that they could all be assholes like this guy.
19. Night Court I was inclined to think that this wasn’t a bad show at all, but then I caught a few reruns not too long ago. Wow, this has not aged well. Even Cheers hasn’t aged well, and this show was no Cheers. Again, another annoying show that portrays a vision of adult life that in no way resembles reality. I did once see the actor that played Bull at the Arboretum in Arcadia. I was tempted to go up to him and say something but then I suddenly realized I didn’t care.
20. One Day at a Time What was going on with Schneider and all those keys? I could never make heads or tails of this show. The common thread seemed to be the mom. The daughters didn’t look at all like each other and one of them split pretty early on (the one that was in American Graffiti). The other one stuck around and got married and the husband became a central character. Then they also introduced a dorky neighbor, and then a gay neighbor. Again, all over the place.

So what to do now? Realizing that I can’t get all those hours, weekend afternoons, and Saturday nights back? What’s the solution? I’ll tell you the solution: Be bitter, be very bitter, and then try to channel that bitterness into something positive, like sarcasm. And as soon as I’m able to do that I’ll write another post about it.