Why I Don't Like Football

In honor of the much ado about nothing taking place tomorrow, I've decided to finally post on why I don't care for football. In no particular order:

1. It rewards being an agressive jerk. No other sport, not even boxing, relies on unchecked testosterone and agression more than football does. Football is, on its basest level, about knocking people down and then raising your arms up in celebration. Any football game, even touch or flag, played by a group of males over the age of three, rapidly degenerates into Lord of the Flies.

2. It makes fat guys think they're athletic. Big fat guys who are good at knocking down skinny, high-center-of-gravity guys (like I was when I was in high school) love to suck in their stomachs and act like they're world class jocks (especially in P.E. class) when they're playing football. I always wanted to tell these guys that in any real sport being 100 pounds overweight and having over 60% body fat is not usually an advantage. But I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to get knocked over again.

3. It's a cold, industrial, blue collar sport. Not to sound like a class snob, but I'm a dorky, educated kind of guy, not a guy who belongs to a union and carries a metal lunch box to work every day. Also, after I'm done drinking a beer I don't drop it on the floor and then beat my wife if she doesn't pick it up. My name isn't Gus, I don't belong to a bowling league, and I didn't grow up in a factory town in the Rust Belt or the Upper Midwest. I don't work with machines and don't like sports where men are treated and valued as machines.

4. I didn't grow up with it. What can I say? When I was little there were two pro teams in LA, but now there are none. Remember when the Raiders were going to move to Irwindale? What kind of a traffic nightmare on weekends would that have been?

5. I don't know what's going on half the time. Football's never really made any sense to me. Even rugby makes a lot more sense and the big joke about rugby is that one time I went to go see a riot and in the middle of it a rugby game broke out. Football is organized chaos as far as I'm concerned. Football has all sorts of weird plays, first, second, third downs, touchdowns, touchbacks, extra points, interceptions. Whatever. I can never figure out what's happening. For example, what the hell is a 'blitz'?

6. There are too many players. Guys on special teams, what makes them special? Do I want to know? Guys who come out for three seconds once a week just to knock over other guys who come out for three seconds once a week-- what am I supposed to like in all of this?

7. There aren't enough games. At least in football and baseball and, dare I say it, hockey, there are a decent enough number of games in a season where one individual game doesn't necessarily matter so much as the cummulative efforts put forth over the course of many months. Kind of like how life is. In football a bad day from a key player can mean not making the playoffs. As a result, luck becomes more of a factor than skill, so I may as well spend my time watching "Deal or No Deal".

8. Professional football players are the biggest jerks in the world. Keep in mind, this includes a world with professional basketball players in it. Pro football has produced so many thugs and murderers, and guys who shoot themselves in the leg at clubs. When was the last time you saw a football player make a touchdown and not dance around for five minutes, acting like he was the most awesome thing ever? When was the last time you saw a pro football player exude a shed of humility or quiet strength? Football players are supposed to be embodiments of the ultimate in manliness, yet none of them seem to possess any of the traditional qualities associated with manhood. If I want to watch a bunch of 12 year olds puffing their chests and knocking each other over I'll hang out at the gym at the local jr. high. Until then I'll pass on watching any football.